Speechless

In 2022….

I achieved goals and I failed.
I gained friends and I let people go.
I witnessed new life and I grieved death.

And this girl who has always had something to say spent much of the year….

Speechless.

I felt stupid.
Words have never failed me.
I can always come up with the right word or turn of phrase.
I’m quick-witted and mouthy.
Words are kinda my thing.

So much so that last year my “word of the year” was “word.”
I committed to listening to others, to listen to my body, to read the Word and to tune into the voice of God.
This was a good idea.
I was certain that as I listened, I would gain more words.
I thought perhaps this was the year I’d write another book or gain new speaking opportunities.
Yet when December 2022 was put to bed that wasn’t what had happened.
All that had happened was that I was struck over and over again…

Speechless.

I’d become ashamed of how short my prayers had become.

Help.
Please.
Why?
Yes!
No.
Thank you!
Me?
You?
Them?

And on more days than I care to admit my prayer was simply, “I don’t know what to say to You.”

I’d sit in front of my screen or across the room from someone and think, “I know words, but….I don’t know.”
In those moments I found myself praying the longest consistent prayer of 2022. “If I say something, I guess it’s going to have to be You saying something because I just don’t know what to say.”

God allowed it.
The words I did speak or write I was told mattered or healed or delivered care.
I am grateful that I was able to be in those moments.

God delivered on that “word of the year” but not in the way I thought.
I thought I’d be more sure and I’m not.
I thought I’d be more accomplished and I’m not.

I do hope words will return to me, flowing like they used to.
But I’m not bothering with a “word of the year” this year.

This year instead of me telling God what I’m looking for out of 2023 I’ll just take what He gives.

I think the word for that is…..sanctification.